Vacation in Sweden, feet back on the ground. Soo needed, so great. Beijing makes me loose it. I need to do some kind of action both to get over The Impressive one and to prevent become mental in Beijing. I sign up for a couple of dating sites and after a few hours of browsing I realize most of the 25 000 people signed up share the same thoughts ‘this is not for me, I’ll never find anyone here / what am I doing here’. And yet in Sweden it’s one of the most common ways of meeting a loved one. I chat with one of my oldest, closest, dearest friend who knows me by heart and she wishes me good luck with a very doubtful voice. As if love is exclusively for the one living an ordinary, predictable life. As if you don’t dream of 2,1 child in suburbia / cute country house / like watching TV / grocery shopping – love will never involve you = I am doomed to eternal solitude and loneliness.
I dropped out of here for almost a year, when the taxi picked me up at 05.00 in the morning for the new project I found to take me back on work-track. In Beijing. Bei-frekin-jing.
Ok, I am back on work track, but rest of my life has gone stone cold. No love, no sex, no friends – no nothing. And my fit-as-f’ck-body has reset to 0. But it’s the job I was offered, and I actually think it’s the correct thing for me to do right now to continue what I’ve started. Sometimes when I collapse in my sofa in the apt on 41st floor the company rent for me, in Beijing fancy area, I just want to scream; please Somebody confirm that I am existing! I feel completely alone in the world. It’s a scary feeling. And a new feeling, I never experienced the big hairy loneliness before.
Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree – Martin Luther.
The taxi picks me up at 05.00 in the morning, same hour as the taxi dropped me off after the big Saturday out last WE. And by definition we know that there is something wrong with that hour of the day if you do anything except just sleeping in your bed. My hairdresser is on vacation (Swedish vacation lasts forever, min 4 weeks) and I look like a mad mix between a crazy professor and Jackson five. Too tired to solve the problem so I find the blond wig in my wardrobe and put it on. I had it on the job interview so it might work. At the train station I get reminded of how Blonds have more fun. A dude is actually whistling after me when I walk down the platform. 05.10 in the morning… Stay calm it’s just a wig. I don’t even like the attention. It’s just surface and fake. I think of the Impressive and Mr Awesome, they are never fake. None of them. I get on the train and look for the silence carriage. I consider laws and regulations most as recommendations and some make more sense than others. Silence carriage makes sense. Here you can sit and let your thought spin without disturbance.
So I’m on my way to the first day of the new work. If I turn now I’ll never know if I can get off the ground.
Game plan; get my company off the ground. I need to do that so I can continue with the creative work I have to do. The worlds needs soulful spaces, environments touching your heart and bring magic into your daily functions. To get the company up and running I need a bag of money. Not much, just enough to get started. Apparently I will go to Beijing for that. I found a company which wants me to work as a senior architect managing a team of 25 Chinese architects to perform too many projects in a too short period. Very interesting challenge. Very. Chinese rule of working; is this humanly possible to perform? No. Okay then I want it done yesterday! But I’ll try it out. An adventure. And I can’t see any better options at the moment and it’s time to get started. I always have to set up goals to manage an assignment. Goal; not to get fired before I reached the amount of money I calculate I need (which probably will take me about 10 month), succeed in given task (good as ego boost/will look good in my CV), not shoot the head of more than max four co-workers/managers during the period, and of course bring home the cash I need.
When I started the chemotherapy last spring I decided if I survive I’ll make sure to level up my life one notch. Not because I was feeling unhappy or unsuccessful. As a tribute to life, remove those little pieces of annoyance so often bugging you. Those little pieces of annoyance as when you have a look into them are just unnecessary. The answers are there in your lap, you just have to look down to see it. It’s in your mind-set. Life can always let you down and you can always choose to get back up. Reading Tao; failure is a possibility. If you don’t have, you have nothing to lose. Make a wish, not wanting. Fix before it happens, arrange before chaos. Remain as calm at the end as at the beginning.
I feel my life has got a more solid foundation than last spring and therefore reached a higher level.
Listening to Tracy Chapmans soft voice and let the tunes carry me. They are low and slow and soft, long and light, like the thoughts in my head. They carry me carry me carry me. I read the words in the book I’ve got in my hands carefully.
Live and let die.
Take it as it comes.
Everything will be fine.
As the Impressive is nuclear power for my mind the Awesome makes magic to my body, taking me to nirvana over and over and over and over until dawn. When he leaves he kisses me on mouth and I’m left with the feeling that every fibre every cell in my body is completely satisfied and in perfect harmony. Perfect. Harmony. I fall asleep while the sun rises up the sky outside my window and I wish everyone should feel this at least once in their lifetime. I’d like to pass this experience, this feeling, this magic on to every person in the whole world. It feels like building my life according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs only using the very most fantastic elements for every step.
Sunny Sunday on the balcony, such perfect day for grooming. Every little hair shall carefully be picked with the tweezers. The debated armpits (wtf! there was a huge discussion regarding armpits and female hair a while ago in the daily news. Woman has the ‘right’ to keep it vs it’s disgusting so remove it…. Seriously! As previously already reflected on, most of the time the Swedish daily news can only be used to capture what’s in the head of Swedish standard population), hair on legs and arms never came back after chemotherapy (sometimes it just get better – according to me since I prefer not to have body-hair), the stubborn hair on my big toe and of course my funny. It is so wonderful with all the details polished! Soft and polished, soft and polished. I take all the curls fallen down on a towel with me to the balcony and let them flip down on the balcony below. I sit down on my balcony and eat my hot cheese cake cold, directly out of the package, turning my face towards the sun and let no clouds come in between.