I dropped out of here for almost a year, when the taxi picked me up at 05.00 in the morning for the new project I found to take me back on work-track. In Beijing. Bei-frekin-jing.
Ok, I am back on work track, but rest of my life has gone stone cold. No love, no sex, no friends – no nothing. And my fit-as-f’ck-body has reset to 0. But it’s the job I was offered, and I actually think it’s the correct thing for me to do right now to continue what I’ve started. Sometimes when I collapse in my sofa in the apt on 41st floor the company rent for me, in Beijing fancy area, I just want to scream; please Somebody confirm that I am existing! I feel completely alone in the world. It’s a scary feeling. And a new feeling, I never experienced the big hairy loneliness before.
Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree – Martin Luther.
This Kind of Lonely // Everlast
The taxi picks me up at 05.00 in the morning, same hour as the taxi dropped me off after the big Saturday out last WE. And by definition we know that there is something wrong with that hour of the day if you do anything except just sleeping in your bed. My hairdresser is on vacation (Swedish vacation lasts forever, min 4 weeks) and I look like a mad mix between a crazy professor and Jackson five. Too tired to solve the problem so I find the blond wig in my wardrobe and put it on. I had it on the job interview so it might work. At the train station I get reminded of how Blonds have more fun. A dude is actually whistling after me when I walk down the platform. 05.10 in the morning… Stay calm it’s just a wig. I don’t even like the attention. It’s just surface and fake. I think of the Impressive and Mr Awesome, they are never fake. None of them. I get on the train and look for the silence carriage. I consider laws and regulations most as recommendations and some make more sense than others. Silence carriage makes sense. Here you can sit and let your thought spin without disturbance.
So I’m on my way to the first day of the new work. If I turn now I’ll never know if I can get off the ground.
When I started the chemotherapy last spring I decided if I survive I’ll make sure to level up my life one notch. Not because I was feeling unhappy or unsuccessful. As a tribute to life, remove those little pieces of annoyance so often bugging you. Those little pieces of annoyance as when you have a look into them are just unnecessary. The answers are there in your lap, you just have to look down to see it. It’s in your mind-set. Life can always let you down and you can always choose to get back up. Reading Tao; failure is a possibility. If you don’t have, you have nothing to lose. Make a wish, not wanting. Fix before it happens, arrange before chaos. Remain as calm at the end as at the beginning.
I feel my life has got a more solid foundation than last spring and therefore reached a higher level.
Sunny Sunday on the balcony, such perfect day for grooming. Every little hair shall carefully be picked with the tweezers. The debated armpits (wtf! there was a huge discussion regarding armpits and female hair a while ago in the daily news. Woman has the ‘right’ to keep it vs it’s disgusting so remove it…. Seriously! As previously already reflected on, most of the time the Swedish daily news can only be used to capture what’s in the head of Swedish standard population), hair on legs and arms never came back after chemotherapy (sometimes it just get better – according to me since I prefer not to have body-hair), the stubborn hair on my big toe and of course my funny. It is so wonderful with all the details polished! Soft and polished, soft and polished. I take all the curls fallen down on a towel with me to the balcony and let them flip down on the balcony below. I sit down on my balcony and eat my hot cheese cake cold, directly out of the package, turning my face towards the sun and let no clouds come in between.
Delighted, she turns into the raisin-alley and purposefully reaches for a pack of the desired product, looks over the shoulder and feels the endorphins from today’s training kick in, and reaches a bag of sun dried apricots – yummy! Self-scan or pay station? Self-scan = steeling which she should refrain since it such a bad new habit. She glances toward today’s headlines which as usual cannot be used for anything but to capture what’s in the head of Swedish standard; which proclaims that Princess Madeleine has again been left behind. Since previous she knows that according to statistics 85% of all Swedes want to fuck the little princess and reflect over that all that actually get to fuck her choose to betray her… She pays to the retarded patient cashier and thinks with the mouth full of sun dried apricots; in its simplicity life is quite easy: everyone get to fuck and true love settle where it settles. You just have to find someone who loves you, who makes room for your values and support the path you are walking, even if he/she walks on another path. Easy as that.