Vacation in Sweden, feet back on the ground. Soo needed, so great. Beijing makes me loose it. I need to do some kind of action both to get over The Impressive one and to prevent become mental in Beijing. I sign up for a couple of dating sites and after a few hours of browsing I realize most of the 25 000 people signed up share the same thoughts ‘this is not for me, I’ll never find anyone here / what am I doing here’. And yet in Sweden it’s one of the most common ways of meeting a loved one. I chat with one of my oldest, closest, dearest friend who knows me by heart and she wishes me good luck with a very doubtful voice. As if love is exclusively for the one living an ordinary, predictable life. As if you don’t dream of 2,1 child in suburbia / cute country house / like watching TV / grocery shopping – love will never involve you = I am doomed to eternal solitude and loneliness.
I dropped out of here for almost a year, when the taxi picked me up at 05.00 in the morning for the new project I found to take me back on work-track. In Beijing. Bei-frekin-jing.
Ok, I am back on work track, but rest of my life has gone stone cold. No love, no sex, no friends – no nothing. And my fit-as-f’ck-body has reset to 0. But it’s the job I was offered, and I actually think it’s the correct thing for me to do right now to continue what I’ve started. Sometimes when I collapse in my sofa in the apt on 41st floor the company rent for me, in Beijing fancy area, I just want to scream; please Somebody confirm that I am existing! I feel completely alone in the world. It’s a scary feeling. And a new feeling, I never experienced the big hairy loneliness before.
Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree – Martin Luther.